PLASTIC PLEASURES

My dad just left our house after visiting for the afternoon. Quite frankly, I don't know what to think...I used to think he had good taste, Well....at least as far as clothing goes.

What started as his very traditional home with tasteful furnishings, has slowly been transformed into a two story, butter-mint, green dwelling that looks like it stepped out from the pages of a Hans Christian Anderson book...The Hansel & Gretel House with San Juan/Carribean & American Folk/ Country themes throughout; mixed with Victorian touches, possibly Asian and Safari.

I have to take a Tylenol ( I'm valium free - Woo Hoo!!, I think) just to walk into the house to subdue the headache I will incur from all of the blinding neon painted furniture and contrasting fabrics. Not to mention all of the ever-changing, cheap clutter that makes its way into the house on a daily basis, by means of a catalog and 800 number.

Every surface that could possibly be painted by hand, is. The once nice dining room furniture has been painted with pearlized ivory paint, then an accent of mint pearl paint and something that looks like freehand Chinese symbols.

Since Dad flies quite a bit, and his current wife spends most of her time with her family in Puerto Rico, he gets lonely. Dad loves dogs but does not want the responsibility of one since he's frequently out of town, and would not want to have to board a pet...and he's not much of a cat person. He tried lovebirds for a year or so, but they continued to squawk and bite him; so he's trying to pawn them off on his family and friends with the same speech he was given to take them.

Now, I think he may be losing it, as he just took us out to his mini-van to show us his latest infomercial purchase; A ten-gallon sea aquarium with realistic looking plastic, tropical fish. Not that realistic, but evidently - enough for him. He was clearly so pleased with his purchase, that he was anxious to get home and assemble his new aquarium. He then showed us the jug of distilled water that the directions informed him that he needed for his new, fake little friends.

Wow, distilled water? Do these fake fish thrive better in distilled water as opposed to tap water?

We were speechless. Uncomfortably so. Even the kids didn't know how to react. They all looked at me with raised eyebrows. Finally, I asked him, "So Dad, Ughhh, are you planning on naming these fish?"

Yikes...I hope he doesn't get too attached.